As much as we seek healing including soul growth, it seems like our family drama gets in the way. Or does it?
Early in August, I woke up elated from an amazing dream:
I was outside with my husband and Mom (always good to see my dead mother)
We’re standing outside of a home in what looks like Tuscany with a large patio area leading to a Mediterranean style pool that looks over grassy field with mature trees stretching as far as I can see.
I hear something falling from the sky, then a large black sheet lands right next to the pool. Soon a huge piece of the building – the edge of a castle tower – just misses the pool. Steve says “thank goodness.” And I warn, “there’s more to come. Duck!”
Sure enough the front nose of a jet skims over our heads and lands just beyond but then starts sliding towards us. I grab Mom by the arm and drag her to safety.
Now as usual we are about to have a large family gathering. Everyone’s coming so Mom suggests we tidy up the yard. Steve says, “No, we have to leave it for the investigators.”
At that point in my dream, I realize Mom in spirit form is helping us prepare for a gathering of family… when the sky will fall upon us.
By late afternoon, the sky did fall…
A serious family drama unveiled itself yet the moment I became aware of it, I was CALM. Almost peaceful as I handled the emotions of the family members with empathy. So when the gathering did occur later that day, I feel prepared. It helps to have premonition dreams…
I’m so grateful to have practiced CALM so that when cosmic crap hits the fan, I can still smell the roses!
After Momma made her appearance in my dream world, I had visitations from my Poppop, my mother’s father. Both occurred after discussing codependent relationships with my patients. Even they could smell the cigarette smoke. I knew Poppop was here to remind me that it’s time to break the chain.
In the meantime, I tried to grasp the deeper meaning of codependency and how it’s reflected in the world around me. That’s when Grandmother Kathy introduced me to the Drama Triangle.
After a busy day of taming the family drama while seeing patients, I investigated this interesting dynamic first coined in the 1960s by psychiatrist Steven Karpman. He says here in America we are all born into this triangle of victim, rescuer, and persecutor which is fueled by the shame of not get our needs met.
Grandmother Kathy told me that the way off the drama triangle is when the victim transforms through strength, the rescuer transforms through mercy and the persecutor transforms through surrender.
What I read on Karpman’s Drama Triangle indicated that while we learn one primary role in our family, we play all the roles over time, so it seems to me that we must all learn strength, mercy, and surrender.
Here’s a classic example of how the Drama Triangle plays out:
A police officer is called to the scene of domestic violence. He is the Rescuer, the woman being beaten is the Victim and her abusive husband, the Persecutor.
Yet once the police officer arrives at the scene, the woman is afraid he’ll take her husband away and tries to protect him. Now she is the Rescuer, the police is the Persecutor and the husband is the Victim.
We switch roles many times throughout our lives and even within a single interaction.
Now while I was personally going through my own family drama, I was leading the Hormone Healing Circle – an interactive online group that teaches it’s members how to balance their hormones naturally and achieve optimal health body, mind, and soul.
In the Hormone Healing Circle, we do challenges. That month we were doing a Commitment to Me Challenge in which we were trying to carve out time in our busy schedules to take care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
And as life mirrors our soul growth, many of the members of the Hormone Healing Circle began feeling guilt about actively meeting their needs. Guilt is the shame that fuels the Drama Triangle.
Learning to be strong in our convictions to ourselves which helps transform our Victim identity into one of Divine Creator.
Experiencing mercy as we devote ourselves to self-care which helps transform our Rescuer identity into one of Divine Coach.
Surrendering our need to control the world by taking care of our own needs which helps transform our Persecutor identity into one of Divine Challenger.
Carry on, sweet soul sisters of our Hormone Healing Circle. You are unveiling your Divinity with each act of kindness to self.